My botty's on fire

The whole family was around the rim of that amazingly big hole in America.
The Grand Canyon.
Went out for dinner, back to the car. Sam used to run with one arm pumping up and down to the side, like a really weird pirate with a dud parrot.
We all left the restaurant. Sam got into a bit of a run with his one arm pumping motion and ran into the back of a car and then sort of ricocheted off the bumper bar and then hit the ground and shot off like a bullet.
He slid for about 20 meters on his bottom,  got up and said....My botty's on fire.

Those cabbies are lovely

Laurel and Jack moved into a housing commission flat in Waterloo in 1976.  It was the first time they'd had an indoor loo.
Laurel was off to the dentist's and hailed a cab out the front. (Remember her eye sight wasn't too crash hot).
She was a bit surprised when a cab pulled up and there were two men in the front seat.
Anyway she gave them the address and asked them to wait for her. No problem.
She got back in the cab after her appointment and they took her home. She met a neighbour when she got out of the cab and praised the cabbies saying they were so lovely and wouldn't take any money.
Her friend pointed out that she had just gotten out of a police car.

Nanna was a trick

We were on a family Christmas holiday in Forster, back in the 70's.  Mum, dad, Ross (my brother) and me. 

Nanna and poppa flew up to join us. 

Everyone else got off the plane, no Laurel and Jack.

Eventually Laurel appeared being helped down the stairs by the pilot and hostie. 

Not only was she totally mozart and liszt with a bee hive hairdo the size of Marge Simpson's, her ensemble was amazing.

Bright pink sequinned hot pants and high heels. She was 65. 

Not too much water with that Jany!

I used to visit my nanna Laurel, at her nursing home, most mornings after the gym. Around 9.30.
She liked a whisky chaser with her morning cup of tea. Just the 50ml Johnny Walker plastic bottle.
I used to look pretty tragic buying them just as the grog shop opened.
I would try and explain and say "this is for my nanna". They would give me this pathetic look. (A dobber and a drunk).
As she was nearly blind I would pour it into a little glass for her and she would always say "Not too much water with that Jany". I always took the empties home.
Her other weakness was flagon sherry, another classy purchase.
Not only did the grog shop people think I was a closet drunk, they thought I was dirt cheap.
Every once in a while I use an old hand bag and find some empty Johnny Walker bottles.
Not such a good look either.

Aunty Marie wipes out the smorgasbord at Eliza's Double Bay

My Aunty Marie took us out for a wonderful meal at Eliza's to celebrate my brother's opening of Jardin en Plus in Double Bay.  (An interior/exterior decorating shop).  It was in the 80's.
Marie had a couple of glasses of champagne at the opening.
Off we went to dinner.
Just to set this up, Eliza's had a magnificent smorgy centre piece.
Entree arrived and Marie fell straight in to her soup, splat!
We decided a retreat would be a good move.
All the men left to get the car, (wouldn't you know) mum and I had to drag Aunty Marie out of the restaurant. Unfortunately she started to come to with arms flailing she managed to wipe out the entire smorgy.

Nanna had a new wig

My Nanna, Laurel, was just bonkersley wonderful.  She loved a new hairdo and bought herself a beautiful nylon wig, with its own lurid, blue head stand.
We all went all over for a roast and Nanna stuck her head in the oven to check out the leg of lamb.
Ooops, nylon and heat isn't ideal.
There was this loud but very short whoosh sound, and a really weird smell.
Nanna shot out of the oven and instantly swung the wig around so now the back was the front.
Her fringe was now about five inches above her eyebrows.
She still looked great.
Here's to Laurel

You don't need ugg boots in Mexico

We went to Mark's sister's fabulous wedding in Mexico, her hubby CB is gorgeous.
Bit pissed the night before we left so just opened our suitcases on the bottom floor, near the front door (ease of egress) and threw some stuff in from the top of the staircase.
Mark had to buy clothes when he got to LA, he'd just brought undies and jumpers;
I managed to bring my ugg boots and not too many matching shoes.  Lucky I've only got dress up clothes.
You never look crook in Mexico.
Made for some interesting outfits.  Sweaty lamb skin boots are not ideal in Mexico in May,  mind you no one else was wearing them,..... tell you something?
The wedding was hysterical, and beautiful. Like Mama Mia but better. Singing was better too, curtesy of Glenn Shorrock, Louise knows flash people.
The priest couldn't get Louise's name right. I was matron of dishonour and was standing behind her.
He called her, Louis, Louie, Louisa. I totally got the giggles, the fourth time he called her Louie (was this the first gay marriage in Mexico?) I turned around to the gang behind and sort of whispered "Who the fuck's Louie?'
It really was the most magical wedding.  So far so good with Louie/Louis/Louisa and CB

We hadn't had him for long

Still in bed, just had another flash back.
When Jamie was really little, only 3 weeks old, and we hadn't been out to dinner in ages. Well at least a week before he was born. That's a month all up.
We were living in Melbourne and the best Chinese then, probably still is, The Flower Drum. So off we toddled with Jamie and had a yummy meal. He was so quiet we put him under the table.
Finished dins, back to the car and thought, gosh, what's missing?  Got the wallet, handbag, keys.. back seat empty, those days you just used to sticky tape them to the back seat. Anyway forgot the baby.
That's embarrassing!
Mark and I had a major blue as to who would go back inside for him.  Muggins lost, in I trot and say "Hello, I've left something, is anyone sitting at our table yet? Can I have a quick squiz? "
Because it was a quality establishment they had tablecloths that hung down really low, so I scrambled underneath our table and dragged Jamie out, pretending I had a really big handbag that looked like a cabbage patch doll.
We were only just getting used to having him around.

It's alright mum, no one saw you

Been butcher's for a couple of days and in bed, as I've had time on my hands I was thinking about when the kids were at school.
We moved to Manly in 1998 and enrolled Pad and Sam into the local catholic school, St. Paul's.
One of the funniest things was their motto. 'St. Paul's, where we turn Manly boys into Manly men!' Isn't that hysterical?
It was their first sports afternoon and the whole school was down at the beach, I thought that was fabby.
So, I walked along the beach with Mark and the three dogs, copped Sam, waved and moved on.
When Sam got home I asked him if it was embarrassing that I walked passed and waved to him in front of his new class mates.
He said "It was alright mum, no one saw you".

Maybe we're clothing challenged?

I was in this terribly posh frock shop in London -Joseph's- with a great mate, Alex.
Everything looked so fabulous.
Alex bought a fur hat for his sister (I thought it looked a bit like a dead bear's bum, but I kept schtum on that).
I draped this furry garment over my skirt and thought, jeez that's weird.
There were open flaps over my hips. Would have been great if I was a seal.
Ponce-de-ponce came up to me and announced "Modom, THAT is NOT a SKIRT, THAT is a JACKET".
I said 'Thank God, it's the crookest skirt I've ever seen".
We couldn't breathe for laughing.
At least I didn't have my undies on my noggin.
.

That's not a hat

Hels reminded me of this, remember my partner in crime in New York?
Mark was in hossie about to be operated on having his hand fixed. (Forgot to mention he was a doctor)
So the nurse brought him in his clobber for the op and asked him to put it all on.
She came to take him up to the theatre and got the giggles and said "I'm afraid sir, that isn't a hat, they are your undies".
He was sitting there with his undies on his head and his hair sticking out of the leg holes.

Mary's revenge

I was out visiting with Maude yesterday, she announced to a crowded room of relos that we are related to Saint Mary McKillop by marriage.
I started to feel really crook, and had to call our jaunt to a quick halt.
We had stopped outside St. Mary's Cathedral at the lights and I became violently ill,
opened the car door and did a quick chuck out of the car. Charming really.
Mary's obviously not too impressed with her newly found family.
It took Mark an hour with a wet towel, paint brush and a bottle of spray and wipe to dig out the tomato skins, carrot and corn out of the car door, where does that come from?
Oh well, better out than in.

Mata Hari wasn't deaf

Mark's mum, Marie, is buying a new apartment.
We all went to have a captain's. Gorgeous.
We were inside with her agent and the selling agent,  Marie drags me over to a corner and sort of tries to make herself flat against the wall and beckons me over in the loudest whisper you have ever heard. Her hearing aids are not so good.
Anyway I got the giggles and said "What is it Mata Hari?"
She didn't hear me.
Marie then mimed and shouted at the same time, "SHUSH, DON'T MENTION THE PRICE. DAVID IS NEGOTIATING. HE IS THE PROFESSIONAL".
David, The Professional, is about 20 years old and the size of a small jockey.  He might be missing on Melbourne Cup Day.

Happy birthday Betty

Betty, my mum, runs the bar at her retirement village.
Every Friday evening they have a bit of a knees up.
Once a month, on a Sunday afternoon, they all meet to celebrate whoever's birthday. There's a cake and a drink.
Mum went down last Sunday, it was her turn for the birthday bash (she turned down lunch with us because she felt guilty and she had to go)
Went down, not a soul there, it is a retirement village, they forgot.
She talked to the woman in charge, they rang around and got 6 women (mum said that one of them had put on a cardigan - no clue what that's about, thinking that's probably good) and one bloke, (mum said, he's only got half a leg). He pushed his wheel chair in to the middle of the group and told them all dirty jokes.
The cake was frozen.

Maude the Marvellous hits Coles

We were shopping this arvo at Coles in Manly and laughing a lot. A lovely man came up to us and told us 'too much noise, no laughing aloud/allowed'.
He was admiring our fruit purchases and complimented Maude on her choice of paw paw. It's meant to be very good for arthritis.
He said he was riddled with it.
His wife came up and told us he was always talking to the girls.
Maude said, 'Don't worry darling, we don't want him. He's riddled with arthritis'.

Deodorant is not the same as hairspray

It was really windy on Saturday so I thought some hairspray would be a good idea.
Didn't have my glasses on and managed to cover my head in deodorant.
My hair set like cement, could have survived Cyclone Tracey and invaded the Falklands

Bettyisms

My mum is just gorgeous and has the most amazing relationship with the English language.
Mum has renamed The Bavarian Beer Cafe. "I had a lovely lunch at that Ovarian Beer Cafe, we had Nicarette salad with a Champignon Blanc ". A Bettyism.

Our special child

When Pad was in year 4, he came home one arvo and told me he was trying to get in to the special class.
Bloody hell, he'd always spoken really slowly with a very deep voice.
I rang Mark and told him what we had secretly thought, the kid's a dill.
Can't even get in to the special class.
Gathered ourselves and realised, no prob, we'll get him help. Whatever it takes.
We are then invited to the special class night, he got in.
The other parents are really excited.  Mark and I thought they were bonkers.
Apparently not.
Special means 'gifted and talented'.
Who knew?

Diamonds are a girl's best friend

We were married a million years ago..(1978)
My engagement ring had three beautiful diamonds. Purchased from an exquisite, antique jewellery store (maybe not).
Anyway, the week before the wedding one of the diamonds fell out. So I took the hare lipped ring to a very serious jeweller in Castlereagh Street, just down from DJ's.
He looked at the ring with one of those glass eye things and said,
"Madam to replace a stone of this quality will cost at least $25.00".
Still married.

Fat is My Friend

I cook and deliver food to my crook friends. 

I always wear high heels so my kids call me Meals on Heels.

Maude the Marvellous reckons I should include one of my fat free recipes on my blog.

Oops don't have any.

First pond experience

I've fallen in my pond before.
It was New Year's Eve and I had just bought the flashest outfit. I actually gave up ciggies to pay for it. Well really, I just put the money aside and bought French Champagne.
 I'm now a serious alcoholic with very expensive taste.
Back to the outfit. Pale blue cashmere twin set (doesn't sound so flash, but it was) and a fabulous silk taffeta skirt. Great shoes.
Anyway, end of the night and I decided to take my champagne outside.  Fell in the pond, we had fish in it then, after a while dragged myself out, shouted at Mark, for letting me near water when I was a bit wobbly boots, went to bed.
I rang The House of Cashmere, and asked if they were really serious about dry clean only and had anybody sat in a slimy pond for half an hour and if they did what were the chances of recovery for the outfit.  Short answer, rooted.
Remember that Mastercard ad?
Cashmere twinset.... $1,000
Silk skirt.... $600
High heels... $1,000
Mother pissed in pond ......Priceless!

The Universe Provides

We were driving down the road to lunch, I announced to all in the car "I've left my watch at home and look, the universe provides. It's 11.27".
Sam, my youngest said, "Mum, that's the price of diesel".
We'd just driven passed a petrol station.

Here's to Sweetie

Barney carcked it a year ago, he was just gorgeous. Maltese and 14 years old.
We had bought him as a puppy for my brother who was very ill and wanted a lap dog.
(Something weird is happening, my cat is trying to hump my knitting bag,  I'm not joking, I might wake up tomorrow with mittens)
Back to main story, we had the best send off for him.
Unfortunately the vet managed to miss spell his name on the ashes box (Barnie???)
We had a very touching funeral.
We all trouped down to the front garden (that's where he barked at everyone from dawn til dusk) to the tune of the funereal march, beautifully whistled by Wheats. The boys all gave a speech about him, I played Auld Lang Sine on my harmonica and we then put his ashes in the shrubs.
Maybe the barbecue after was a bit tacky (he was cremated) but mum loved it so much, she said she wanted the same.
I did suggest we didn't have a shrub big enough.
 Here's to Sweetie.

Hot Toes

We were travelling in the states with the kids in one of those 8 seater cars, and had just bought them all very flash new shoes.

Sam was five.
Anyway it was really cold and rainy, so we had the heaters on in the car.  Sam kept on whinging and whinging that his toes were hot.
We told him to stop carrying on and just be happy that he wasn't outside in the cold and rain.
We finally got out of the car, it was still raining.
It rained on Sam's shoes and they sort of sizzled and spat.
Apparently his new shoes were steel capped and he had his feet under the heater.

No spillage

Hot tip for pouring drinks in the dark.
Stick your finger-tip in the cup/mug/glass
When it gets wet, stop pouring

I fell in my pond, again

We were off to Darwin and had to leave at some ungodly hour.
Didn't want to turn on the outside lights and wake up the neighbours (what was I thinking?).
So 5am in dark, darky bits, closed the front door, took a step and a half, oops,  fell in the pond.
Couldn't remember if my flash watch was water resistant or water proof so went under with my left arm held high.
A bit like Excalibur without the sword.
Prince Valiant was already in the cab, couldn't be bothered changing.
My hair did look a bit crook in the lounge, and I did sound a bit squishy.
Think I finally dried out over Ayers Rock.

Einstein

I have managed to follow myself,  no clue.  Will get advice.

Helmsley Palace- it's long but it's worth it.

Sounds flash, it's not.
Our best friends had moved to New York so we had a get together.
Anyway we all met up in this  hotel, two wives,  one  husband, (one sensibly away on business)  six children. I think we booked out half of the floor.
Hels and I hadn't seen each other in ages. Lots of catching up. Mark scarpered and went back to Toby's room - eldest child
We ran out of booze and ordered up. (But that was after we sent Toby out, he was the oldest and most sensible to get us cigarettes, no one does that any more either.)
So at about 2 am we thought a bottle of Dom was a great idea. Too rat faced to drink it, we both fell into bed and woke up the next morning, not looking so great.
First thing, rang Tobe and asked him to get us a big bottle of coca cola.
Mark turned up back in our room, and he said it smelled like a brewery, forgot to mention that we felt a tad guilty about the Dom un drunk but purchased so I poured in down the toilet.
So Mark has a shower and comes out of the bathroom looking all squeaky clean.
The room service guy turns up with a huge bottle of coca cola on a silver tray (thank you Toby),
Mark comes out of the bathroom in his robe,
(remember squeaky clean) opens the door, lets the guy in, who then cops Helen and me in bed together looking totally tragic ( you know- face squished with last year's make-up still on)
looks at Mark and must think that he has picked up the oldest most tragic hookers in New York.
Hels and I got the giggles but didn't move. Just jiggled a bit.

Poultry

One day we went out for a drive, (does anyone do that any more?)
Anyway we drove past a takeaway shop and there was a person in a chicken suit waving, so I waved back (I'm terminally polite).
Mum asked "What's Jan waving at ?" Response "She's waving at a chicken"
Mum then asked "What sort of chicken?"

Maude the Marvellous

Took Maude shopping today, her husband was Mark's goddy. He was the principal flautist for the Sydney Symphony Orchestra for 50 years and had a solid silver flute.....anyway...Maude is 90ish and has a disabled sticker.
She put it on my dash board and asked "Darling, do you feel drunk with power?"

The sun beckons

It's nearly summer time. I usually only shave the bit on my legs that you can see. You know the bit between your ankle and the bottom of your jeans. Not particularly taxing.
The hairs on my leg are now long enough to stab a rat.
Out comes the razor on goes the skirt.

My father the human aerial

-We (me, Mark, three sons, one brother) were all watching the cricket at mum and dad's  (back in the 60's dad played for New Zealand and was a wicket keeper- they beat the poms).
Anyway the tele went a bit fuzzy and dad went out to fix the aerial.
It was on the roof.
It became clear, but after a while we realised dad was missing.
So Mark, my husband, went to find him, he was usually in the shed having a cleansing ale.
....Not there.
So Mark called out 'Dick, Dick' (that was his name).

Then dad squealed out 'Mark, Mark (that is his name)
Look up but don't tell the girls'.

-Unfortunately the aerial was S shaped and dad had balanced it on his neck.

 He had successfully tightened one screw on the left hand side then did the same on the right hand side.     That was when he dropped the screw driver-

My God he's got no legs,

I remember watching the Olympics with mum, hence known as Betty, the men's gymnastics, it's actually called the Still Rings.
Mum was watching and just saw the athletes hoisted up to the hoops and you could only see them from waist height  and she said "Isn't that wonderful, they're competing and they've got no legs".
We're still giggling about the dismount.

Don't you love crackers?

Just watching the opening of the Commonwealth Games in Delhi.
I giggle every time I hear The Chief Minister's name, Sheila Dikshit. I don't know which is funnier  Sheila or  Dikshit. It's fabulous hearing it in on loudspeaker in the stadium.
The dancers are amazing, no one seems to be dancing in time and they are running around like crabs on a hot plate but it all just looks so beautiful.
Probably just like India, chaotic, beautiful and overwhelming.
The Australian uniform looks like the Wiggles have gone to the games. Crook as!
Might have curry for lunch.
Anyway the crackers were great.

Mum's home safe

Dragged mum up from Mona Vale to watch the footy, someone lost. Mum didn't want to stay, have you seen Pad's room? Even mum screamed
Sent her home in a taxi. Got a bit worried and rang the company and suggested that the driver was looking after his own mum.  Worked a treat.

Up The Corso

Just returned from a quick shop in Manly and spotted a glamorous Rabbitoh supporter. NOT!
Female, 70years old, long draggly greasy hair, sporting white furry rabbit's ears, footy t-shirt and a gasper hanging out of her gob.
Oh and her team was knocked out of the comp two weeks ago.
So aptly named, The Corso

A day at the Carson's

We went to a fund raising day for Sam Carson, only 27, who was horribly injured last year.
It was just gorgeous, all his beautiful young friends were there and his sister Sally made a wonderful speech.
The family dog got into the snorkers and kept on hoicking them up all over the shop.
It was very funny as it is a sausage dog, and every time you looked at it, it threw up another sausage.

My dog is an alcoholic

Coco has an enlarged liver.
She has four paws, so I'm thinking a three step recovery programme. 
No waiting.
How did she find us?   Simpatico!