Poor Harry

Poor Harry A great friend came to stay overnight. Arrived early and we all went out to lunch, we are at that stage where people have nanna naps.  So H went to bed and Mark had a rest, shock'n awful headache. H came upstairs and we were chatting, next thing my mobile rings and it's from Home. I'm thinking "Why on God's earth is Mark ringing me from the bedroom?" I pick up the phone, Mark is whispering saying "Are you alright?" Response "Yes!" "I can hear a strange gay, male voice, are you safe?" "It's H you idiot, and if you think I'm in trouble why didn't you come out and save me?" "I thought it was better to call, then I would ring the police and charge out with my gun?" We don't have a gun. We then go to dinner, run into several friends, say g'day, sit down, eat, Mark shoots up like he's been electrocuted and H and I think he says, "My headache is awful am going for a walk". After 20 minutes and we've had those stupid conversations when you both  talk rubbish pretending everything is fine. Finally I say to H, where the fuck's Mark? H then leaves to find him. I'm now sitting in a very small restaurant surrounded by old friends looking seriously desperate and dateless. H returns having found Mark in the car nursing a headache. We go home. Mark goes to bed, H has a cigar outside, I take the dog out. Come back lock up the house, forget about H and lock him out. After a while I'm thinking, oops where's H? He's outside and very cold. H is let in and we do serious damage to a lovely bottle of Dewars. Forgot to say H hates cats. We have a serious cat. Now we come to breakfast. H prepares a delicious sandwich with some left over fillet steak. Leaves it for a bit. (Are you with me?) Comes back to the kitchen, Thomas, the cat, has eaten his sandwich and vomited it back up on H's plate with a fabulous little bit of saliva as a garnish. What a night. Poor H.		draft		3:01:00 AM	by Jan de Teliga	Delete
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Embarrassing moments no. 1

A million years ago I had a crush on a boy at school. I can't remember his name now but he had a car and offered to drive me home from school.
So, I was 5' 7'' and as skinny as a zipper and about 15.
Getting panty hose to fit was always a bit of a prob. Either the crutch was down around my knees or the waist was up to my neck.
I chose a tight pair this day that I prayed wouldn't fall down.
When we got home I started to get out of the car, elegantly, one leg at a time.
Unfortunately, my tights split and the sound was like a horse farting.
Haven't seen the bloke since. I can't begin to imagine what he told his friends.

Oldy Mouldy

I'm 54 today. I'm really happy.
I've been cooking for ages all the kids are coming over
Isn't that the best bit.
Beautiful boys, best ever partners.  I'm so excited.
Lets do the age thing.........
One of my closest friends is in her nineties,
My mother is about to be eighty, she's just gorgeous
Went to a wonderful party for an 83 year old buddy.
Think I should get on a cruise and feel young and beautiful. (Everyone else on board is about 200)
Spent the day with old friends.
54 and Fabulous

Back to Paradise

Talofa,
Sent all the kids a phrase a week to learn, just so that we could get in to the vibe of the place.
A couple of my favourites were.....
Someone has miss used the umu
Follow the broken yam
There are too many eels in my hovercraft
I just loved saying  'fa a mole mole mole' (you have to pronounce each vowel - remember the Austin Powers movie and the guy with the big mole) It actually means many thanks.
Didn't think the capital Apia was much chop.  We actually called it Apiyabum .
Rest of the island divine.

Tom and Jerry

We have a very uppity cat called Thomas, we do love him but he is not very friendly.  He's a Rag Doll. Thank god he's beautiful, I'm deeply shallow. It's a bit like living with Naomi Campbell. Swans around, waits to be fed and watered, looks at us as if we are lucky to have him. We have a new, gorgeous, delicious puppy. We've called him Jerry (Tom and Jerry - get it?) He's a  Cavalier King Charles Spaniel -what's with that crazy name? Mind you, a bit flasher than Rag Doll. (Jerry 1 - Tom 0) Jerry's due to be desexed but his testicles haven't dropped down and so nothing is to be done for another 3 months. I told mum and she whispered in my ear "Maybe he's a homosexual". She did have a gay son, makes you wonder.

Ya know a Samoa

We took all our family to Samoa after Chrissy.
Dear God that's a long squishy flight.
Bit late checking in, that happens when 8 people are on one ticket and there are several surf boards.
Anyway, finally through customs and immigration. Six of us head straight to the nearest bar. Two very sensible people get on board.
Phone rings, it's Sam, "Mum, dad where are you?" "We're in the bar of course" "Well the flight's about to leave and they can't find you"
OOOPS.
Next thing we hear is ......"Could the de Teliga family , Miss Sauer, and  Mr. Rick please board the flight to Samoa".
Rick just loved that his name was called out.  Anyway we ran to the plane and my advice to the gang was find your seat and make no eye contact with anyone.
Thank god for the boys, They had the hip flasks and Mark supplied the xanex.
Fabulous flight.
Arrived in paradise.

Phone etiquette

I'm making new friends.
Well not really, but when you are a little bit mozart and listz,  don't you want to ring your friends?
I do.
Problem, they are all asleep.
Problem solved.
Get on to the time zone thing and ring total strangers overseas.
Next morning, you never have to apologise.
Perfect really.