Met new friends

Night was looking a bit dull.
Mark suggested I take a bottle of wine out to the lovely people in the park playing really loud, fabulous music.
OK
Had the best night.
Some meany beneanies had called the police.
Too loud.
It was Simon and Garfunkel for heavens sake.
Mean time I'd said 'g'day and popped back inside
I was so annoyed to see that the nimbys were in action I cranked up the oven and delivered home made pizza and a delicious hazelnut ice-cream with home made fudge.
Bit of a hit.
Two Canadian blokes, one beautiful Irish Colleen, a gorgeous kiwi, 5 delicious Australians and me.

More Magic Moments

In the lounge at the airport on the way to NZ mum sees the eggs and bacon and rushes to pile up her plate then sees the fruit and panics.

As we were landing mum looked out and said, I can see a long white coast line.  Not really it was the wing.
On board she announced "I'm on a new drug, Diaphragm" probably Diazepam.
She burped so loudly in the customs queue that the man behind her changed lanes.

Burps, farts, groans and yawns all day. I swear that there is someone else in there with her.
We spent a lot of time lost as she constantly talked over the navman.
Repeats every word we say, as if we are in a weird delay echo chamber.
Reads every sign out loud, slowly and deliberately.
Has a go pronouncing every Maori name, whispering and repeating it to herself.

When we arrive at the hotel the concierge says "The extra bed is for the little person" My mother the midget.

There will be more

Magic moments with Bette

It was mum's 80th and we took her back to the land of The Long White Sock.
New Zealand.
She and dad spent the 6o's there. So we thought it would be a lovely trip down memory lane.
First experience in the lounge having a glass of bubbly.
It was 6am so mum announced, she was just having a drink for "municipal purposes".
The crew on board threw her a birthday party. Pretty bloody flash.
Arrive in NZ she remembers nothing.  Street she lived in, nothing, harbour bridge..nup, neighbouring towns...nup.
Watching the news she said "Don't they have a funny accent?......."
Trip down memory lane was very short.
We reckon she and dad did nothing, for 8 years, apart from drink gin with the neighbours.
Fabulous comments......
We went to Devonport. The navy is there.
"Don't these naval ports have great views?.......
Mum suffers with catarrh "If you only new what was going on in my nose......"
When we got lost I suggested we just follow our nose mum said, "Not me, my nose is too cold"
One morning mum had a very strong laxative, bad idea.
We left the hotel and moments later there is a weird groaning from the back of the car and every once in a while she whistled. Mum's not musical.
So Mark suggests we stop at the nearest Maccas, clean loos, no waiting. After 20 minutes Mum staggers back out, leans on the car window and just says "I'm exhausted" It's 11am.
Figured out the whistling, every time she farted she whistled.
Will update more tomorrow.

Claire is 96 and nifty

Everyone looks out for Claire. She's 96 and lives on the beach front, nearly blind and walks up and down the promenade every day.

The whole community keeps an eye out and helps her cross roads, carry her bags and just generally enjoys her loveliness.

She's as smart as paint.

We met her while walking our dogs and the joke was we were just looking after them for her. Unfortunately Barney, eldest dog, always peed on her shoes, she did smell like little old lady juice. We just thought she got home with very squelchy feet.

Anyway today Claire was coming home I spotted her and dragged her in to our local bar because the heavens opened up and there was no way could she get home in the rain.  She had a six pack in her walker, no raincoat.  She doesn't drink on a Monday. 

I noticed a young bloke was wearing his surfboard as a rain hat. I asked if he would let Claire walk in front of him under cover to her apartment.
He did.
It was an hysterical sight.
20 year old  gorgeous bloke, surf board on his head, really, really old lady on a walker in front under his protective cover. The rain was torrential. It took him 15 minutes,  he well deserved a round. Don't you just love the kindness of strangers.

His name is Billy and his mother would be very proud of him. I am.

Felicity is a fibber

Every Wednesday night we try and have family night. All the boys and wonderful girlfriends and friends.
Last Wednesday we had one son, three girlfriends, and one girlfriend's parents.
It was a great night.
Fel and I stayed up and solved the world's problems. There could have been a bit of alcohol involved.
Mark bailed and slept downstairs, Fel and I slept together.
Mark come up in the morning and sat on the end of the bed. I looked over at the other lump in the bed and got a tad confused, thought Mark was multiplying.
He went and made tea, I got up, bent over and farted. Charming really.
Fel said she didn't hear anything. If she didn't hear anything, why did she say something?
She lied.

Never give too much away

Marie has said many times when she's been a tad annoyed with people, and this happens very regularly.
"I've given them a piece of my mind".
Ooops, too generous maybe.

Marie's disappearing

Mark's mum,  my mother-in-law, the boys' granny has just been diagnosed with Alzheimers.
What a shocker of a disease.
There are some funny/sad moments.
We are constantly rung to say her phone doesn't work. Unfortunately it's usually 2/3/4 or 5am.
She recently bought a smoke alarm, had it installed.  She said, "Look at my new smoke alarm". We were all looking at it admiringly she then asked "What's that?'
Overseas fraudsters have been conning her, my personal favourites are ;  Mr. Ca$$hman,  Marie de Fortune, her clairvoyant from the Netherlands,  Monsieur de Monney and Dr. Georges who has given her a lot of money in the form of astral cheques.
The gifts (for a small administration fee!) have been pretty gobsmacking. The one that weighs your soul takes the cake.
A company called Mineralis sends her foot balm, head balm, probably poo balm.
We were advised to have her mail diverted. Done that, our poor mailman now delivers a truck load of stuff to us daily, better give him a big Chrissie pressie.
She outsmarted us and opened a PO box, so the diverted mail was re-diverted, it now has been re-re-diverted back to us.
Marie who was once a very independent, intelligent, organised woman is disappearing.
Unfortunately she's getting closer to that maximum security home for the terminally bewildered, El Plotto Losto.

God's a good sport

The local churches in Manly have postponed services, opened their doors, installed widescreen TVs and invited everyone in to watch the Rugby League footy final.
Manly versus the NZ Warriors.
We're having a barbie, Maroon and White snorkers (Manly colours) Classy!
Up the Sea Eagles.

Poor Harry

Poor Harry A great friend came to stay overnight. Arrived early and we all went out to lunch, we are at that stage where people have nanna naps.  So H went to bed and Mark had a rest, shock'n awful headache. H came upstairs and we were chatting, next thing my mobile rings and it's from Home. I'm thinking "Why on God's earth is Mark ringing me from the bedroom?" I pick up the phone, Mark is whispering saying "Are you alright?" Response "Yes!" "I can hear a strange gay, male voice, are you safe?" "It's H you idiot, and if you think I'm in trouble why didn't you come out and save me?" "I thought it was better to call, then I would ring the police and charge out with my gun?" We don't have a gun. We then go to dinner, run into several friends, say g'day, sit down, eat, Mark shoots up like he's been electrocuted and H and I think he says, "My headache is awful am going for a walk". After 20 minutes and we've had those stupid conversations when you both  talk rubbish pretending everything is fine. Finally I say to H, where the fuck's Mark? H then leaves to find him. I'm now sitting in a very small restaurant surrounded by old friends looking seriously desperate and dateless. H returns having found Mark in the car nursing a headache. We go home. Mark goes to bed, H has a cigar outside, I take the dog out. Come back lock up the house, forget about H and lock him out. After a while I'm thinking, oops where's H? He's outside and very cold. H is let in and we do serious damage to a lovely bottle of Dewars. Forgot to say H hates cats. We have a serious cat. Now we come to breakfast. H prepares a delicious sandwich with some left over fillet steak. Leaves it for a bit. (Are you with me?) Comes back to the kitchen, Thomas, the cat, has eaten his sandwich and vomited it back up on H's plate with a fabulous little bit of saliva as a garnish. What a night. Poor H.		draft		3:01:00 AM	by Jan de Teliga	Delete
	Edit

Embarrassing moments no. 1

A million years ago I had a crush on a boy at school. I can't remember his name now but he had a car and offered to drive me home from school.
So, I was 5' 7'' and as skinny as a zipper and about 15.
Getting panty hose to fit was always a bit of a prob. Either the crutch was down around my knees or the waist was up to my neck.
I chose a tight pair this day that I prayed wouldn't fall down.
When we got home I started to get out of the car, elegantly, one leg at a time.
Unfortunately, my tights split and the sound was like a horse farting.
Haven't seen the bloke since. I can't begin to imagine what he told his friends.

Oldy Mouldy

I'm 54 today. I'm really happy.
I've been cooking for ages all the kids are coming over
Isn't that the best bit.
Beautiful boys, best ever partners.  I'm so excited.
Lets do the age thing.........
One of my closest friends is in her nineties,
My mother is about to be eighty, she's just gorgeous
Went to a wonderful party for an 83 year old buddy.
Think I should get on a cruise and feel young and beautiful. (Everyone else on board is about 200)
Spent the day with old friends.
54 and Fabulous

Back to Paradise

Talofa,
Sent all the kids a phrase a week to learn, just so that we could get in to the vibe of the place.
A couple of my favourites were.....
Someone has miss used the umu
Follow the broken yam
There are too many eels in my hovercraft
I just loved saying  'fa a mole mole mole' (you have to pronounce each vowel - remember the Austin Powers movie and the guy with the big mole) It actually means many thanks.
Didn't think the capital Apia was much chop.  We actually called it Apiyabum .
Rest of the island divine.

Tom and Jerry

We have a very uppity cat called Thomas, we do love him but he is not very friendly.  He's a Rag Doll. Thank god he's beautiful, I'm deeply shallow. It's a bit like living with Naomi Campbell. Swans around, waits to be fed and watered, looks at us as if we are lucky to have him. We have a new, gorgeous, delicious puppy. We've called him Jerry (Tom and Jerry - get it?) He's a  Cavalier King Charles Spaniel -what's with that crazy name? Mind you, a bit flasher than Rag Doll. (Jerry 1 - Tom 0) Jerry's due to be desexed but his testicles haven't dropped down and so nothing is to be done for another 3 months. I told mum and she whispered in my ear "Maybe he's a homosexual". She did have a gay son, makes you wonder.

Ya know a Samoa

We took all our family to Samoa after Chrissy.
Dear God that's a long squishy flight.
Bit late checking in, that happens when 8 people are on one ticket and there are several surf boards.
Anyway, finally through customs and immigration. Six of us head straight to the nearest bar. Two very sensible people get on board.
Phone rings, it's Sam, "Mum, dad where are you?" "We're in the bar of course" "Well the flight's about to leave and they can't find you"
OOOPS.
Next thing we hear is ......"Could the de Teliga family , Miss Sauer, and  Mr. Rick please board the flight to Samoa".
Rick just loved that his name was called out.  Anyway we ran to the plane and my advice to the gang was find your seat and make no eye contact with anyone.
Thank god for the boys, They had the hip flasks and Mark supplied the xanex.
Fabulous flight.
Arrived in paradise.

Phone etiquette

I'm making new friends.
Well not really, but when you are a little bit mozart and listz,  don't you want to ring your friends?
I do.
Problem, they are all asleep.
Problem solved.
Get on to the time zone thing and ring total strangers overseas.
Next morning, you never have to apologise.
Perfect really.