Cyclone Hamish

We went to Hamilton Island with most of the children and Mr and Mrs Watson. Arrived at the airport, had rented the most wonderful apartment, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, marble for ever, our own pool, deck over looking the marina, just divine.
No one to meet us, where was the transport? Rang and they finally turned up. Were greeted with
"Youse 'll cack ya selves when ya see where youse goin"
We all piled into the golf buggies and travelled about one minute. End of the run way, turn left.
Did have a fabulous view of all in coming.
Bit panicked that a cyclone was approaching, all the shops were going to be closed, Hels and I hit the grocery store and sent Pad down to the grog shop to buy as much as he could. I could cook anything, but I didn't have my own still.
Cyclone Hamish was a fizzer, three leaves and a sick branch hit the floor.
They still didn't open the grog shop, wouldn't you be happier dead pissed, than dead sober?
So we had Fel and Sam on shop patrol, binoculars to check as soon as the store opened. We were down to one bottle of wine. Saw the blinds go up, sent the crew, all was well in the land of nod.
Mum did get stuck in the shower and yelled out "Help, help" She had managed to wedge herself in between the door and the door opening, no clue, Pad replied, "Don't worry Nanna, I'll be back on Thursday". "Thanks darling" was the reply, she didn't realise that it was it was Sunday. Jan to the rescue.

True love

The week before we were married Mark went to get his hair cut.
The salon, very kind description, was in the main street of Chatswood.
He was asked if it was for anything important.
So he told them he was getting married and having his honeymoon in Asia.
"Well", the hair artiste said, "it's very humid in the east, I think a gentle body wave would be perfect, you wont have to worry about your hair at all".
Not that he ever had.
As described by him, "They put me in the front window, with a condom over my head and then dragged out pieces of my hair with a crotchet hook". Maybe he was also getting some blond tips, always a good idea.
His hair was blow dried and off he went.
Next morning, had a shower, off to work. Clocked himself in the rear vision mirror in his car and nearly drove off the road. The perm had really kicked in.
I married him and his head looked like a testicle. He's got a really big forehead.

Our wedding day

We had our wedding feast, ha, at the Killarney Heights Reception Centre. The food was the dead spit for something you got on a crook airline down the back of the plane. "Chicken or meat? Chicken please.  Oh, we've only got meat". (I thought chicken was meat, apparently not).
Mark's fly broke and he stuck the floral centrepiece in the gap. My father abused all the guests. Our wedding song was meant to be "Who knows how much I love you" by the Beatles but the DJ put on the next track instead "Why don't you do it in the road?"
We all went back to mum and dad's. Mum showed all the guests her brand new freezer in the garage and hundreds of parcels of frozen meat. Gee they were very impressed.
Mum and dad had tarted up the house by planting 20 or 30 poplars down the drive. Unfortunately Norman, our best man got pissed and reversed up the drive in his brand new Cadillac with really wide bumpers.   He accelerated and every few seconds you could hear this bizarre noise like, phitt-umph, phitt-umph, phitt-umph.  He drove home to Castle Hill from French's Forest with 20 poplar saplings, ten each side of his bumper bar.
We took off the next morning on our honeymoon, Mark was so ill his parents had to come from Bayview to the airport with anti vomit stuff. What a wuz. I was fine and had a fabulous brekky from the baine marie.
Just remembered Mark had his hair permed for the wedding. HYSTERICAL.

Bit gross but entertaining

A million years ago, Mark had to give a speech to magazine executives. It was the beginning of the whole, House and Garden, Do-It-Yourself thing.
So he thought it would be interesting if he brought a prop along.
He decided on a vibrator.
We went to an adult shop to purchase it. Oh My God. Someone else came in after us, the quaintly attired salesman shuffled us into this room, and closed the curtain, classy,  told the other customer that 'he was with clients'. Bit yucky.
Anyway the choice was mind boggling. We decided on something that looked somewhat respectable and took it out to the man.
He said, "Can't sell you that mate. It's my thermos".
We left.

I'm an exocet missile

First swim of the season.
I hang out with the old guys at the beach, you know the ones that don't have skin, just skin cancer.
Last year I taught myself to body surf. They used to call me a teabag because I just floated up and down in the same spot and flapped my arms.
I've been promoted now.
I am a tad dangerous and have been known to take out a couple or several swimmers.
I take off on a wave and go full pelt.
I don't open my eyes, salt water stings.

First date

In 1977 I was working at David Jones as an assistant buyer in the stationery department.
My career was off to a huge start.
Mark was General Manager of Greetings at John Sands, a card company.  I figured out he was in charge of saying "Hi".
He was also at North Ryde Psychiatric Hosy. (Doctor, not inmate).  Great combination.
Anyway, John Sands took out the stationery dept, of DJ's Australia, for a Christmas knees up on a harbour cruise.
I met Mark and thought, "He's a bit of alright".
Then the buyer from Mackay got in a clinch with the captain, unfortunately mid clinch, we were heading for the rocks, I pointed this out to Captain Groper, and he dropped said buyer literally and retook control of the vessel.
She fell from the steering seat, splat.
Didn't move for a bit.  First time she was quiet.
Doctor of Greetings had to look after her, said he didn't have a car (lost shitloads of interest, how in the hell do you go out with someone on a bus?) and could someone drive them to the hospital.
Next day, he rang me for a date, I thought "Of course, another one bites the dust"
Went to Vlados in Paddo, meat, meat and more meat. Loved it. Got engaged six weeks later. Now  married 32 years.
Only found out on my wedding day, he'd been paid to take me out to find out why John Sands didn't get the DJ's account.

Perfect parenting

The Watties and the de T's took all the kids and went to Port Macquarie for the weekend. It was meant to be a great spot to hand feed pelicans. God knows why we thought that was a good idea.
We realised the hotel wasn't quite five star when we got to our suites and saw the room dividers were shower curtains.
It rained all weekend, not a bird in sight. Unless you went to Plaster Fun House, which looked like the inside of a sheltered workshop, and painted your own animal. People were actually doing it, adults as well. Quite scary.
Both families went to a slap up meal at the local Pizza Hut. The ovens broke down, they didn't tell us and we drank our body weight in wine waiting for the food.
After about our fourth litre of cask de crap, we got a bit noisy.
The food finally arrived, Helen was insulted because the waitress pointed to her helper and said "That one is for the old lady with the glasses", not a good move.
When I asked for more wine they said to me "Don't you think you've had enough, dear?"
I don't like being called 'dear' by people who are about 12 years old, let alone being told to ease up on the singing syrup.
So it was on for young and old.
We demanded to see the manager, who ran and hid behind the cash register.
That didn't stop Hels and me, we walked up and shouted at him "Get up, you coward. We know you are there." He wouldn't. It's hard to leave a place with dignity when you've been a total ratbag.
We did provide a lot of entertainment for the locals, our kids weren't very impressed.
Oh, I forgot, Pad coughed all weekend and drove us all bonkers with his whinging.
Took him to the doctor on Monday, he had pneumonia. Oops.